I now have a Saint Bernard. God has a sense of humor.

God has a sense of humor. 

I prayed for him; now I have him. I also gained a supposedly very large family, a Saint Bernard, and possibly another cat. Beyond their size, how has my life actually changed? 

I am seen. I am heard. I am loved. I am wanted. I am giving grace and learning patience. Letting go of control and seeing things from a lighter side of life. 

I struggle with all of this. 

Learning to trust someone has been the hardest thing I have had to do in a long time. I want to self-sabotage because I don't feel like I earned any of this. I am not deserving of this type of care and love. 

But I am. I more than am. There are moments when overwhelming pride and confidence overtake me, and then I become the spawn of Jezebel. Learning to control that side of me is easier than I anticipated, but I can see how out of control I could be if God wasn't in my life. 

My babies are happier. 

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I don't really know how to recap what has happened on paper. It started a long time ago. Before I moved to Oklahoma, maybe. I will never forget looking Jason in the eye and telling him for the first time how I really felt. How we kept trying to hold on to it. 

I don't love you anymore. 

He convinced me otherwise. This was probably a month or so into our "new life". We had sold the house in Nampa. Leaving the dreams we both had behind. On the road to find a new adventure. Always a new adventure. For someone who craved security, I was the biggest risk to have around. I craved change and freedom when held too tight. I started to feel owned, not partnered. I was impossibly restless after I woke up from the sweetest dream I once had. 

As I sit here and try to remember the moment or moments, there are many that come to mind. I have so much to forgive. The road trip the day after my tubes are tied. Obviously, the boat- I am still struggling to forgive him over the boat. The comments over race, color, sex, religion. Honestly, Jason was the fluorescent light in my life. He was bright at times but never the real thing. I needed and live by sunshine. 

My thoughts won't make sense - like normal, to anyone but me - but I will write them as they come anyways. 

So, there we are, grasping at the frayed strings of our love for each other. Somehow, through the trials of stopping in N. Idaho, Oregon, Utah, Kentucky, South Dakota, Montana, Nebraska, and Oklahoma, we found a way to appreciate each other. It wasn't love, but it was comfortable. I learned new things along the way; the tolerances of where he is comfortable in change. It was a short tolerance, but he made it through. If the location was his choice, life was bliss. He was enjoyable, and I loved being with him; the moment I wanted a little life of my own, it got tough, and I had to fight for myself. 

We were supposed to spend the winter in the Arizona desert. We were going to save money and look at building off-grid in the desert. A small dream I thought might be fun. I had a remote job; he didn't need to work. We could live ANYWHERE. Let's save money through the winter and then start life in a fun new way. 

Either God has a sense of humor, or Jason is more diabolical than I thought. Before our plans could be solidified, we landed in Oklahoma for the Fourth of July. I believe that was July 2021.  I could go back and find dates, but I don't care about them right now. 

We land at Jared Haacke's home. His wife, Camille, and their daughter. We spend one night there, and I am hooked. Hook, line, and sinker, I am in love with Oklahoma. I don't know if it was the sky that first night, or the way my babies felt free (even if the bugs are overwhelming); perhaps it was the way God finally said - I found you; welcome home. 

A dream I could get behind was right in front of me. It was so close I could feel it in my hands. I didn't know God found me yet in Oklahoma - okay, and before I go any further, yes, I KNOW GOD NEVER LOST ME. 

Okay, so we got to Oklahoma, and during a late-night conversation over a fire pit, cigars, and whiskey, it was decided we were moving to Oklahoma. 

Quickly, logistics kicked in, and this is where Jason and I functioned the best. Or, rather, in hindsight, where I functioned and thrived in our relationship. I had something to focus on, a next adventure, a new change! We headed back to Idaho, and from there we went through a grueling process to get Jason hired. Cutting through all the bullshit, we stayed at Bruneau; he flew back and forth to Oklahoma for an interview. He thinks he's got it but will need to be there for an undetermined start date. We start moving there... okay, we are here; he can interview. Finally - he gets the job. It's official. Let's head BACK to Idaho and get our shit. Oh, by the way, where are we living? Don't worry, I got this. 

October 26, 2023: We settle in Oklahoma, officially. I fall in love and have a dream. We buy that dream. Jason doesn't belong; we have to leave this dream. We head back to Idaho. 

Through all this, I find Jesus, and he leads me to a settled heart and mind; then he throws me to the wolves in Idaho and chaos, but peace is found. 

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September 20, 2026, my heart woke up from its very cold and hard sleep. 

I was "released" (I will never forget he said that to me) on the 21st. 

November 1st, I am learning to take the biggest risk I've taken in 15 years. 

I feel like it is divine, but now God is asking me to have faith. To learn to grow in the struggles and open my heart to things I can't control. 

My safe spot was control, but I don't need that anymore. I need faith to grow in the places I can't control. I have God fighting for me, and if I turn around and run, the devil will take hold. 

He's the prayer I prayed for, not the devil inside of me. 

I want to be enough that I earn his grace; I earn this happiness; I earn this love. 

I now have a Saint Bernard. God has a sense of humor.